Your wedding ceremony is boring and perfect: four lessons from a hack wedding officiant

The most significant thing I’ve written in the last few months has been the wedding ceremony for my friends Dave and Eliza. A Google search can tell you how to get certified to officiate weddings. If you want advice on how to write your own wedding ceremony, this guide on Metafilter written by Adam Savage (of Mythbusters fame) was the best advice I found for those that want to write their own ceremonies rather than just fill in the blanks on a template.

Anyway, here are some thoughts about writing a wedding ceremony that I discovered in my process.

1) It’s impossible to avoid cliches. This isn’t bad and you really shouldn’t be afraid of them. Think about it: while every couple wants to believe their relationship is the first of its kind ever, love and companionship is probably the most common and relatable thing around. If you’re going to get the audience to understand the couple on a level they can relate to personally (that’s how you get the tears flowing, right?), it’s not enough to share cute anecdotes about their relationship.  So stir that up with whatever hesitation you have of  Romeo-and-Julietting-it-up. Your friends’ love embodies timeless stuff. That’s not a cliche; it’s just something everyone there at the wedding already believes in.

2) Your ceremony script probably won’t be the best thing you’ve ever written, even if it’s the piece of writing you’ve cared about most. You’ll probably write in collaboration with the couple. It might go in directions neither you nor your friends expected it would go. You’ll be editing and trying to be as economical as possible while stuffing in every significant thing about love and your friends you’ve ever heard. You won’t say everything you want.

Don’t sweat it. If you and the couple take the time and care, you’ll have something amazing by the time of the ceremony. You might not feel it’s best thing you’ve written, but it could be the truest thing. That counts for a lot.

3) If you’re unmarried or have a history of being unlucky in love, you may have an existential crisis. I’ve been in a few very wonderful, loving relationships, and so consequently have had my share of incredible fuckups and moments I wish I could take back. While you find yourself spending hours writing about the greatest commitment any person is ever supposed to make, introspection might lead you to think “what the fuck do I know?” Depending on how you’ve lived your life, you might think yourself the biggest phony or hypocrite.

Suck it up. This isn’t about you. If you know enough to know your shortcomings in love, you know why the friends you’re marrying are better than you, even if you don’t know why they asked you to officiate their wedding.

4) You’re just setting them up so your friends can knock them down. Remember, your job is to get everyone there to feel present. This isn’t hard because there is no audience more eager to be pleased than the one at a wedding. Once the couple begins exchanging vows after you’ve said what you’ve prepared, it’s all over. Eyes become faucets.

Have fun officiating! It’s a blast.

That time of life: friends’ weddings years

Last month I had a rare wedding-filled weekend: I went up to Brooklyn for a Saturday wedding then drove down to the Eastern shore of Maryland for another wedding the next day. At one point I could have theoretically been another +1 the week prior  and before even then I was joining my good friend Lisa, fetching her batteries, eating cake, etc throughout the spring.

I am also a registered wedding officiant in the City of New York, and so I’m supposed to be paying attention to how people do these things, keeping an eye on ceremonies and what the officiant says.

I don’t want to say too much because I want to save some thoughts for whatever I might say at the wedding (I also sign the marriage license! LOL!). But do people remember anything other than the reception?

I don’t think I like that idea, but I guess there are only a few ways you can talk about love in the context of a wedding ceremony. Unitarians sound like expository Hallmark cards, the Catholics talk about gee oh dee, others go through the tropes of new vs. old love or being best friends/companions. Can a wedding ceremony make someone cry beyond the fact that it’s a wedding ceremony? You’re sort of destined to be generic, like giving a graduation keynote speech if you aren’t someone that isn’t actually famous. Is any officiant going to blow anyone’s mind or do/say something actually riveting?

I will soon try to find out, but till then, I can give some advice on being a good +1. Watch a lot of old Soul Train videos. Anyone with a sense of rhythm can do many of those moves: don’t be afraid of the occasional high kick. Dress if not well, dress interestingly. Ask your friend’s friends lots of questions, because everyone is a little narcissistic and likes talking about themselves. Let your jokes fail or call yourself out on bad ones because I’ve noticed some guys don’t like it when ‘new guy’ gets to be ‘new funny guy:’ important thing is to throw things out there, but don’t force it. Don’t be the first one on the dance floor, but make it a point to walk across the floor with your date when no one is yet on it and shake your legs a bit to plant the idea that it’s never too early to start the party. Would you rather be the person standing over your friend’s shoulder sipping gin, looking slightly creepy, or would you rather be ‘that guy’ dancing with grandma or the little kid?  We know there is always that guy or girl, and it might as well be you: remember you’ve got nothing to lose as +1 as long as you aren’t a douche — that means only asking your date to dance because you’re there for them, though of course you can dance with others if they ask you to. It’s also incredibly, incredibly hard to hit on the photographers, but it’s not an impossibility.

Yes, a +1 is there to be a good date, but I think a good +1 is there to shake up a party a bit. It’s someone who makes the party something more than just a fancy-clothed version of what you did in college or on the weekends. If you’re a friend of mine, I think you’ve probably got that in you already.

This annoys me a bit: I wanted to talk about ceremony more, but only talked about the party. But I suppose that’s appropriate and true-to-life. Still, if you have any thoughts about making a ceremony interesting, I’m all ears.