Your wedding ceremony is boring and perfect: four lessons from a hack wedding officiant

The most significant thing I’ve written in the last few months has been the wedding ceremony for my friends Dave and Eliza. A Google search can tell you how to get certified to officiate weddings. If you want advice on how to write your own wedding ceremony, this guide on Metafilter written by Adam Savage (of Mythbusters fame) was the best advice I found for those that want to write their own ceremonies rather than just fill in the blanks on a template.

Anyway, here are some thoughts about writing a wedding ceremony that I discovered in my process.

1) It’s impossible to avoid cliches. This isn’t bad and you really shouldn’t be afraid of them. Think about it: while every couple wants to believe their relationship is the first of its kind ever, love and companionship is probably the most common and relatable thing around. If you’re going to get the audience to understand the couple on a level they can relate to personally (that’s how you get the tears flowing, right?), it’s not enough to share cute anecdotes about their relationship.  So stir that up with whatever hesitation you have of  Romeo-and-Julietting-it-up. Your friends’ love embodies timeless stuff. That’s not a cliche; it’s just something everyone there at the wedding already believes in.

2) Your ceremony script probably won’t be the best thing you’ve ever written, even if it’s the piece of writing you’ve cared about most. You’ll probably write in collaboration with the couple. It might go in directions neither you nor your friends expected it would go. You’ll be editing and trying to be as economical as possible while stuffing in every significant thing about love and your friends you’ve ever heard. You won’t say everything you want.

Don’t sweat it. If you and the couple take the time and care, you’ll have something amazing by the time of the ceremony. You might not feel it’s best thing you’ve written, but it could be the truest thing. That counts for a lot.

3) If you’re unmarried or have a history of being unlucky in love, you may have an existential crisis. I’ve been in a few very wonderful, loving relationships, and so consequently have had my share of incredible fuckups and moments I wish I could take back. While you find yourself spending hours writing about the greatest commitment any person is ever supposed to make, introspection might lead you to think “what the fuck do I know?” Depending on how you’ve lived your life, you might think yourself the biggest phony or hypocrite.

Suck it up. This isn’t about you. If you know enough to know your shortcomings in love, you know why the friends you’re marrying are better than you, even if you don’t know why they asked you to officiate their wedding.

4) You’re just setting them up so your friends can knock them down. Remember, your job is to get everyone there to feel present. This isn’t hard because there is no audience more eager to be pleased than the one at a wedding. Once the couple begins exchanging vows after you’ve said what you’ve prepared, it’s all over. Eyes become faucets.

Have fun officiating! It’s a blast.